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Mar. 21st, 2009

again and again and again

today i was outside walking my dog because it's the second day of spring, and this little kid that lives in the house across from mine kept yelling "fuck you!" and giggling afterward until finally his mother came out with a wiffle-ball bat and said "say it again" and smacked him then left calmly. i don't think he'll use that language for a while.

Mar. 4th, 2009

whose line is it anyway?

so there i was, minding my own business, pretending to study math because the library was dead all night, when this guy comes up to me and starts shooting the shit. he seemed cool at first, said he was a math major and i told him about how i struggle with math and hate it, so he offered to help me. and i noticed after a few moments that he was kind of creepy. he made me feel pretty uncomfortable, making comments about my appearance (and not even in a polite, casual way) and asking if i had a boyfriend. i don't know, i may be over-reacting but this thirty-nine year old just gave me the creeps. i mean, he knows how young i am, and clearly am not interested, but now i'm worried. he knows where i work, and when it's late and there's no one up there in the library...it's umass boston. very unsafe. i'm probably just overreacting, but now i feel strange. i keep shivering i'm so cold, and i don't even know what my problem is! nothing that out of the ordinary happened, but i just feel weird. i was not in a social mood at all, and i wanted this job for a reason. librarians don't require extensive social skills, and it's fairly quiet and peaceful. a relaxing job, for sure. but now the atmosphere appears to have been destroyed.

i just feel weird. i feel like i'm on drugs or in a dream...not even about earlier tonight.
i just feel like something is not right...i don't know if it's just paranoia or i am overtired, but considering the events that took place last night, i don't know anything anymore. everything is nuts.
i'm nuts.
i have lost my mind.

i can't wait to go home this weekend.
except every time i go home, something happens.
someone becomes upset and some sort of argument takes place.
but i need to get out of this place.
i don't think it's doing my emotional being much good.

Jan. 18th, 2009

"everyday is like sundays"

before i forget...i had a really bad dream this morning. i kept thinking about it for hours even after i woke up, but now the details are kind of fuzzy. so i will try my best to try to piece it together...

i was in school...it was kind of a combination of high school and college. mr. murphy, my high school english teacher was there, and so was professor sutherland, my english teacher from this past semester. i think they were conspiring against me, i don't know why. and we had these weird little rooms that were probably like 30 square feet and we kept all of our shit there, and i locked myself out of it but then somehow got in...and these two guys, i feel like i know them in real life, but i don't...they kept trying to get me to leave with them. i think that i do know them, but in the dream they just appeared different. seemed like one of them was actually james page or something, but i remember exactly what they looked like, i even had a picture of them on my phone...so anyway, they were trying to get me to leave with them, but i had my red bag with all this shit in it that i was planning to bring home and i kept calling both my parents for a ride but they weren't taking my calls or something. so i started walking and the two guys were harassing me and trying to steal my bag and i just didn't want to go with them. it was much more intense in the dream, i woke up sweating and everything. and they just wouldn't leave me alone, and then i started running and found this weird house and got this nun-like lady to let me hide down in the basement but they somehow found me and i remember asking her to just protect my red bag...and i was crying, calling my parents and they didn't believe me that anything was wrong and kept telling me to have the other parent come pick me up or something...i think it was snowing in the dream, too. hmmm uhhhh it's just really hard trying to recall every single detail of my dream so late in the day.

i hate when i do this. i always forget what the point of the dream was, by the time i go to write it down. i mean i woke up at around 1 and now it's only three hours later so i guess the dream should still be fresh in my mind, but ehh it's not. so that's that. i just know the dream had some significance to it, whether it had to do with school (possibly choosing english as my major?) or with those two guys who just wouldn't leave me alone that i swear i know in real life. nonetheless...i don't think i got away in the end, i just remember waking up in a cold sweat.

caramel is so cute :)
i'm going to miss her.
i don't want to go back to school.
at least ashley won't be at the apartment as often anymore...

Jan. 11th, 2009

sunday lifetime movies.

i can't believe vacation is already over, almost. i actually thought that having a month off would drag by at times, but as soon as new year's day came and went, the days became a blur, blending in with the whiteouts and snow storms. now i keep dividing my time between boston and haverhill, and going back and forth between the two is getting old.

anyway, for some reason, i'm kind of nervous about second semester. i'm going to be taking harder classes, and although i'm only signed up for four again, i don't know what to expect of the work load. all i know is that i am most likely not going to be up for finding a job quite yet...maybe in the summer. but i don't want to think about school and classes for another week or so...

something i learned the other night: i can't handle myself on 100 proof captain's. i mean it was a good night, aside from a creep being there and the cops showing up, but i do wish i did not drink nearly as much as i did. or maybe i didn't even drink that much, but all i did need was one drink. however, i did have fun dancing with the girls and seeing lindsey and stacey again. hope we can have another night like this again before school starts...or what the hell, we can do it whenever. but with no 100 proof or public safety this time.

i don't like the feeling of missing something/someone. or missing OUT on something...i mean it's nice remembering and reminiscing and all that, but then aren't you just missing the past? and the past you'll never see again, so then this feeling of missing is really a waste of energy in the end. the only way to relive it is through pictures or movies or just talks...

ahhh i hate sunday nights. so much.

Dec. 28th, 2008

only love can break your heart.

my heart is good.
and i like neil young.

other than that, everything's all right.
i'm home on vacation, and here i thought i'd be seeing all these people from back home, anf i would be overwhelmed with plans...but nope. i haven't seen anyone from schoool. i mean i'm not complaining, since it's not like i've been out trying to get in touch with people, but still. not even phone calls. i have bryan though, and he's worth seeing a dozen people. and keri and alex...still hanging out with them, so i'm done ranting.

i'm excited for new year's eve. i have some great plans but a lot of things are kind of standing in the way of my perfect evening, so i guess i'll just have to suck it up and make the most of my night.


Dec. 15th, 2008

and i'm not proud, that nothing will seem easy about me.

this entry might seem very redundant, considering i basically wrote about all this yesterday in the last entry, but i can't focus or concentrate on anything because all i can think about is this past thursday. i want to go back to it more than anything, and just soak it all in again. i appreciated every second of it while i was there but i just can't let it go. the talks we had...they really made me feel complete. i think we had finally reached some common ground, and though we haven't hung out since then, i hope that things will have changed, and we will have become even closer than before. because like we said, it really might have been fate that we met. lindsey and stacey pointed this out to me, that we were meant to meet and become friends, but i hope it wasn't just the ecstasy talking. because i want it to be true more than anything. i mean, there we were, surrounded by all those people, those lights, that great music, and we were sitting down in a dark corner, holding each other's hands, making plans to continue to live together next year. i don't know, it just all meant a lot to me, and i will never forget december 11, 2008.

Dec. 14th, 2008

you can travel the world but you can't run away from the person you are in your heart

i kind of like updating this journal so sporadically because every time i let so much time go by, i have a lot to say, which makes for an interesting entry.

right now i am done with classes but just have one more final on thursday. in math. i really really need to pass because if i don't then i fail the entire class and have to repeat it. and i went through so much with that placement exam in order to pass, so i really need to do well...! and there will be no better way to finish this semester than with the news that i can move up in math. that's what i need to do the rest of this week...just study...ugh. i was way too sick to today though. got home around 5 and still felt like absolute shit so i couldn't bring myself to do it. and now it's 9pm and i just want to go to sleep.

so what else is new? well, i am looking really forward to this month-long break because i feel that not only do i need a break from school, but i need a break from ashley. and now that we're done with classes hopefully we won't be there on the same days. because sharing that tiny bedroom in that small apartment with her is just not working out. she does so many little things that piss me off, and i know that i am not exaggerating when i complain all the time. i mean, i've talked to her so it's getting better, but still. my other two roommates, however, stacey and lindsey, i get along with great. i mean we get a little annoyed with one another every now and then, but what roommates don't? i love them, and on thursday when we went out to see The New Deal for Stacey's birthday we had some great talks. i love having them as friends, and not just roommates. speaking of which though, the new deal was my favorite show that i have ever gone to, and it had to do with the fact that we had no idea how much we would luck out, with matt & jeff getting tickets at the last minute, finding molly and green LV's about an hour into the show, and just dancing our butts off for hours!! i loved every minute of it, even when i felt as though i was going to faint in the middle of the dance floor, due to all the people suffocating on the lapse of air around me. the night continued to be amazing even after the show was over and we went back to our place, not going to bed until 5:30am. and then i actually woke up at 9:30 and made it to my last english class of the semester. molly never lets one down.

and now i'm home...and i feel so sick. maybe, probably, because we walked around in rain thursday night and went out in the freezing rain for a cigarette quite often, dressed only in our sweat-soaked t-shirts and glow bracelets. i did expect to get sick, but this just sucks. my whole body is sore, my throat hurt this morning and continues to, and i keep coughing. bryan took care of me today though, by making me tea with honey and holding me all day while i slept. i wish we could just spend days on end like that...well minus me feeling crappy. i'm so anxious for this vacation to get started, so i can see him everyday.

also, razvan is coming next sunday with his parents, so i can not wait to see them!! they're only staying a couple days because they're going to sebi's for christmas in New jersey, but i think they'll be back after. i can't wait to take raz to boston and show him the city. hopefully there's shows i can take him to, and exploit him to better things.

hmmm....well today's date is the 14th i think, so christmas is in a week exactly.
that means nothing to me, because christmas is so overrated now a days anyway. all that means is that i need to go out and spend a bunch of money i don't have, on presents for people. and i don't even want to receive any presents, because that just means that i have to buy them something. i know i'm sounding like a total douchebag, but honestly, who said we had to spend all this money on commercialized products in the holidays? coca-cola is just fine with me, but why the other stuff? plus, i have to buy bryan something, and i mean i want to because i love him, but what am i supposed to get him? i haven't bought a significant other something for christmas since junior year, and that cologne i did get that year was stolen, so that doesn't really count. hopefully i will find him a nice shirt or something. i wish i had a bunch of money to just blow on presents for everyone i love. i would just be happy if it ended up never snowing this winter. ever. but that's highly unlikely.

i need to go to sleep. goodnight.

Sep. 23rd, 2008

no subject in particular.

it's been so long.
i feel like a lot has changed since, but nothing really has, except for the fact that school has started and i have been living at my new apartment. it's nice here, but it has its ups and downs. one upside is being able to smoke a cigarette where ever i am... in the living room watching television, in my bedroom doing homework, in the kitchen cooking a meal (although i don't particularly think that's healthy) or even in the bathroom on the toilet. however, the downside to this is that i smoke even more often now, which is a huge financial burden on myself. it's also nice because i get to just constantly hang out with friends and party whenever we want, but that also means i don't get to have the room to myself that often, let alone the entire place, but you always have to take the good with the bad.

school isn't bad, i don't mind my classes too much. i have a lot of free time on my hands though, and that isn't always a good thing because on days that i only have one class (and that's three out of the five days) i just go right home and don't do anything. i have a lot of assignments but they're never due the next day, so i of course, have now turned into a huge procrastinator. something i never used to be. and the other bad thing about this is that i don't even need to necessarily be doing school work, but i could be doing other things like looking for a job or getting involved in workshops or internship opportunities or something. it's just bad 'cause i know i should be doing all this shit yet i don't WANT to. they're things you just gotta do when you're on your own, and no one should even be pushing you to get your shit straight anymore at this time, but i just don't have the motivation anymore.

weeks go by fast though, and weekends are always something to look forward to. i mostly stay here but there's always something to do, people to invite over, parties to attend. and i get to see bryan, for the entire duration of the weekend. i need to start going to my sister's in allston more often, or downtown or something...too bad boston is too expensive for me right now.

i've been thinking though, and maybe it's time i reward myself with a little something, nothing too big. it's been a while and i want to experience something wonderful, just for a short period.

i want to go out somewhere. i want to go out to dinner in boston, go to a show, walk around before it gets too cold to breathe. i haven't actually just sat outside and watched the sun set in a while, and i used to do that quite a lot, especially towards the end of summer. i would like to even just watch the sun rise every once in a while, but that's definitely out of the question for my lazy ass.

i need to go do research.
my roommate makes me feel really stupid and inadequate as a human being.

Aug. 27th, 2008

(no subject)

summer's over, basically.
it sucks, i never want it to end, it's been such a good summer.
and the fact that it started out shitty but is ending on a good note is awesome..
mmm i hope i like college but i'm sure i will...and regardless, it's a better place than high school.

i've done a lot of shit this summer that i didn't expect myself to do, but i don't regret anything because i made all of my own choices and actually learned something from them. also, it has helped me become more assertive and even responsible, in a way. we'll see how that goes though, i guess.

and now that that's done with, i feel ready to let go, and say goodbye to it for a while.
only because i love it too much, and want to respect it.

Aug. 9th, 2008

(no subject)

my birthday is in a week!
and then i get to move into my apartment :)

so i'm pretty happy right now.
i just hope my birthday is sweet because i never have phenomenal birthdays. and i know WHAT will make my birthday phenomenal so hopefully it all works out!

but i'm excited to move to boston; change of scenery and whatnot.
and i can meet so many new people...
and i'll be able to hang out with my sister more :)

sooooo uhh yeah i already started packing up my room...so much shit in there i need to get rid of...it's finally happening and i'm kinda scared but more so excited...!

i think i've changed some lately and i don't know if it's all that good but i'm happy right now so i guess the change was good for me.
i wish my parents weren't so upset with me over cigarettes though...i don't accept the fact that they are trying to get me to quit because there's worse habits out there than cigarettes so i don't know, i like them, and i don't plan on quitting anytime soon.

that's all.

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